I have never felt so much at once, and it makes me feel like this is the only time in my life where I will get the chance to do so. I’ve formed friendships, which feel like alliances in a war against ourselves, and I’ve gotten my shit together ? in the form of becoming a ‘real’ adult, (or as much real of an adult as I could be at a time where I’m unable to hustle out in the “real world”). I’ve baked, gained weight, begun ballet again and done silly things such as cleaning my closet and fixing my skincare routine. I’ve had conversation upon conversation about who I am, whether they be with myself or loved ones, and given myself permission to really deeply feel everything without hesitation. Fun has been an escape where no escape is to be seen outside of news and theory, but also elaborate your relationship with fun to mask emotions and what it means to you to “deeply feel everything.”
I’ve realized that no matter what a person’s situation is, we’ve all been able to come together to bond over the fact that this has been so incredibly not fun. There’s nowhere to run to. Nothing new to feed off-of, and an enormous amount of time to comb over the past. Out of boredom, I gave two people on Tinder my phone number, knowing we would never see each other in person, to mask the hope that one of my exes would feel deep regret over what happened between us and feel compelled to contact me and make sure I’m okay, since you know, we did once really like each other. They didn’t.
Side note: I’d just like to say that during this pandemic, you don’t know how much it means to me when someone asks me how I am feeling. There are certain people in my life that I wish would call and certain people that I should call, but it’s safe to say that they will never know what’s going on in my head because they don’t want to ask. I’ve wondered what the protocol of resentment is as far as friends during a pandemic goes. It’s hard enough taking care of yourself when every day could feel different than the one before, but the support of a community, no matter how small, is what keeps us feeling heard, loved, sane, and validates that: “yes, I am still alive, thank you for asking?” Am I allowed to be mad at someone if they’re unable to offer me support in ways I’m unable to support myself?